On Friday, when I had all the boys except Marc (who was still at camp) over to help me move the rest of my stuff, we were just sitting around, talking about anything and everything that came to mind, when Daniel said something that caused me to remark, “God probably looks down here and thinks, ‘WTF!’” (except I said the entire phrase).
Next thing I hear is Jeff exclaiming, “BLASPHEMY!”
Scott said I’d have to confess that. “Confess what?” I asked.
“That you implied that God swears.”
“Oh, come on,” I said, “What am I going to say in the confessional, Scott? ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned; it’s been 30 years since my last confession’…?”
Jeff said, “Yeah, that’s a good start.” To which Scott said, “YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TO CONFESSION IN 30 YEARS?!”
“Oh,” I said, “Do I need to confess that too? And what kind of penance do you think I’d get?”
Jeff started out with “1500 Hail Marys, 1000 Acts of Contrition, 2000 Our Fathers…”
“My tongue would fall out first if I did that!” I said.
“Oh, and bring me your tongue as proof you did all of that!” Jeff said. Then he mimed handing over his tongue and started making vocalizations that sounded like someone who had lost their tongue.
And, I abso-fucking-lutely lost it!
I was laughing so hard I was holding my breath (“Breathe, Mom!”), my eyes were watering, and I had to flee to the bathroom because I suddenly had to pee! And I laughed hysterically while I was in the bathroom, too!
The thing that got me, even today, is that Jeff could still do that and get me started on a major giggle fit.
It’s not nice to imply God is human!